He's Totally Whipped

Let's go over this term "whipped." What does it really mean? As most of you know, I'm not talking about a strip of leather - I'm talking about the term describing the slang term that describes a person being controlled by their partner in a relationship (usually a male being controlled by a female). For the sake of it being a slang, I've taken the top definition from Urban Dictionary.

My issue with this isn't the term itself, but more how it's used. I believe healthy relationships should be based on a form of equality, and that controlling relationships are in fact, unhealthy. But the real problem is the context this word is used in. Often, people use it to describe a man who respects women.

I know for a fact that people will deny this. But think about it. I guy who treats his girlfriend with respect, especially around his friends, is often considered "whipped." Who doesn't engage in crude conversations about her, is "whipped." I'm not saying this is always the case, but it is for many.

There is nothing wrong with love. It is often frowned upon for a man to show emotions, and when he does, such as love, it can be looked at negatively. We know that this doesn't work the other way around. Women are in fact expected to be more nurturing, and willing to show their caring side. But it's hard for a man to without him being judged.

I think it's time that we change this. Instead of making it out to be a bad thing, a man treating his girlfriend right should be celebrated. Again, there are many times where the term "whipped" is used correctly, but there are many cases it isn't. And in those cases, we're making it seem like it's a bad thing for women to be respected, which in turn affects all of us.

Let's build relationships based on complete respect, and stop putting people down for doing so. We all deserve to be treated that way, and should never be put down for doing so.

What's Wrong With Sexy?

Summer is coming up, and that means a lot of short shorts, skirts, tank tops and bikinis. Being able to feel great about your body in those outfits is awesome. There's a lot of media that makes it hard to appreciate your own body. When you're able to wear those skin-showing pieces of clothing, feeling good about yourself, that's healthy. It shows you have a good self-esteem, and that's fantastic.

Unfortunately, not everyone feels that way. Many people find excuses to shame girls for what they wear. And that's part of what contributes to some girls having such a low self -esteem. It's common to make girls who dress like this feel like trash. Sluts. Whores. Skanks. You name it, I'm sure a lot of us gals have heard it all. 

The sad part is, what's wrong with showing off a part of your body you're proud of? I think that if you think you have great legs, you should show them off! Of course, there's always proper situations for that (I don't suggest you do it to an office workplace), but there are also great situations for wear short skirts and shorts too! 

What you wear has nothing to do with self-respect. Dressing a certain way is a form of self expression, and wearing "provocative" clothing does not mean you don't care about yourself. Here are some things that show you care about yourself: standing up for yourself, doing things you love, practicing self care... And it so happens, that wearing certain clothes doesn't take away from any of those things!

Then there are the people who say by dressing this way girls are "asking for it." Wrong! You cannot ask for it. By it I'm referring to things like sexual assault. NO ONE ASKS FOR IT. The only person at fault is the perpertrator. Also, sexual assault has to do with who seems most vulnerable, and who the assaulter can gain more of a sense of power from. It's not about attraction, just power. 

Our society is very flawed. No female should ever have to deal with slut shaming. Being proud of one's body should be seen as a great thing, and not something negative. Don't shame others for their clothing. And ladies, wear what you want and feel great about it. Because you should feel great about how you look. Every single body is beautiful.

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like

I am a feminist, and being one, I get quite a bit of hate. People tend to have such a negative view on feminism. A large part has to do with the portrayal of them in the media. To many people, feminists are male-hating extremists that like to shove their ideas in your face.

Yes, of course there are feminists like that. But in every belief or movement, there are people who are extreme. Take religion for example. There are those people who use religion to practice hate, but that's definitely not everyone. Yet, it's the people who act on the extreme end that end up representing everyone in that group, because they are the ones gaining the most attention.

So what exactly is feminism? There are different kinds of feminism, but for the most part, it's just gender equality! Being a feminist is recognizing that in our patriarchal society, women do face oppression. It's not saying that women are better than men, but instead that there are still gaps in gender equality which needs to be fixed.

The whole idea of hatred towards men is called misandry. Misandry and feminism are two completely different things. A person can be a feminist who is misandrious, but it is not something built in the roots of feminism itself.

And yes, men can be feminists too! I personally know some wonderful male feminists who are huge allies to women. They're active in ending violence against women and fighting against the gender gaps in society. The reality is that any form of inequality ends up affecting everyone, and it's everyone's job to take part in bringing justice.

Many social services practice feminism in their framework, since this is an excellent approach when working with oppressed groups, especially women. It's not to say that they don't work with men. But recognizing that there are more privileged groups in our society is important. It doesn't make them more or less valuable, but it means they have much different experiences and struggles.

Feminism isn't something to be ashamed of, but proud of. To sum it up, if you believe in gender equality, you might just be a feminist.

Sexpectations and Double Standards

As a female, the double standards are all too familiar. It's easy to give in to what's expected because that's what we are taught. However, I think that it's important to challenge why we are doing what we are doing and why certain things are expected in the first place. You'll find that a lot of it has to do with the standards buried deep within the norms of society, with nothing to do with logic, and everything to do with privilege vs. oppression.

I find myself thinking about this a lot. A lot of times, it leads me to belting out Kacey Musgrave's Follow Your Arrow which is all about double standards, and since there's no way to please everyone, the best option is to do the best thing for you. Thank goodness for artists who actually get this double-standard dilemma, especially when so many songs these days reinforce it.

For women, a huge area filled with intense amount of double pressures is sex. Women are expected to have sex with men, yet when they are, they are called whores, sluts, hoes, skanks, etc. How is this even fair? Well, it's definitely not. And when women are given the expectation to repay men's kindness with sex, it's something I like to call sexpectations.

To take a look at this topic, it's important to think about why it's this way. A lot of it is constructed by society and the patriarchal system that we live in. Women are so often expected to do things for men, sex included. That being said, there are many men who, after doing something nice for a woman, expect sex. And women tend to comply to that because it's a norm in society. If you read my last entry on consent, you know that sex is only okay with consent, which means both parties being 100% into it. This sort of pressure is not consent.

While women are depicted as the nurturing and emotional gender (qualities which there is nothing wrong with), men seem to have a much different agenda for "what makes a man." It includes anger as the only emotion, physical strength and sex with women. On television, movies and advertisements, successful, heroic men are often rewarded with lots of sex. If you haven't noticed, pay attention next time, you'll see it too.

The fact is that sex should be about equality, and less about who deserves what. No one, no matter the gender, should ever feel like they need to have sex with someone. You never owe anyone sex. It's not a crime to walk away - it's often something that means you are looking out for yourself. And of course, it's okay if you feel that you want to have sex, go for it!

As long as you are taking care of yourself and being honest with your partner, there should be no shame in doing so. I know that so many girls and women deal with being called a slut because they choose to engage in sexual activity, especially if it is casual. This is called slut-shaming (which is putting someone down for their sexual activity, how they behave, or who they date) and it is wrong.

 No one should have to deal with this because of the fact that they decide to have sex, especially since it is something that is not only personal, but something that can be great. Sex has many health benefits, and having sex does not mean a person does not respect themselves. By taking care of your body, setting up personal boundaries and doing what makes you feel good, you are respecting yourself.

To conclude, I hope that everyone has an awesome day. If that includes lots of great sex, I wish you all the best. And if that's not what you want, remember, you don't owe anyone anything.

Consent 101

I've had quite a few conversations recently with people regarding the topic of sexual assault (after all, May is Sexual Assault Awareness Month). It saddens me, that although everyone can agree on the fact that rapists are the ones at fault, it's still implied by many that there are times where the survivor of the violence is too.

Men who have experienced this sort of violence are often shrugged off. Their assault is treated insignificant because so many people believe that men cannot get raped, while in face, they can. This is ridiculous, because man, woman or any other gender, if there is no consent, it is assault.

Women too are put down, but in other ways. They are often shamed for the way they are dressed, how sexually active they are, or for being under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs. Girls are taught how not to get raped and boys aren't being taught not to rape (not to say that all men, or even the majority of them, are rapists, but there definitely needs to be more education for them growing up).

Sexual assault has absolutely nothing to do with how a woman is dressed. It's about power. If it was about the way a person was dressing, women in full length clothing would never be assaulted. Neither would men or children. Yet, they are. And the reason is simple: it's about power, not the way a person dresses.

The same goes for a person who is under the influence of alcohol. Sex is only ever okay when there is consent. In Canada, the age of consent is sixteen (with exceptions, especially regarding peer-to-peer sexual relations). One thing however is stated clearly: a person who is under the influence cannot give consent.

About three months ago I was approached by an old friend who thanked me for my advocacy for survivors of sexual assault that I had been doing through social media. My only hope when I share these messages is that it can make an impact on other peoples' lives, even if "other people" only means one person. The moment I realized that what I was doing was, I felt more motivated than ever.

People who I have spoken with who are survivors have shared with me how often they felt blame and guilt on their own part. A lot of this has to do with the culture we live in, surrounded with excuses to shed light on rape. From jokes, to advertisements of men holding extreme power over women, this sort of violence isn't new to any of us.

The best thing to do is to be educated about consent, and use that knowledge to educate those around us. Here's some facts on the consent law in Canada:

• The legal age for consent is sixteen
• A person cannot give consent to pornography, prostitution or sex with a figure of authority unless they are eighteen
• The age for consent of anal sex is eighteen
• Exceptions: ages twelve and thirteen can consent to sexual activity with someone less than two years older than them; ages fourteen and fifteen can consent to someone less than five years older than them
• Someone under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol cannot give consent
• Consent means checking in with the person the entire way through, understanding both their verbal and body language

Consent isn't just sexy, it's essential. It's extremely important to be knowledgeable about it. Keep yourself, your friends and family informed about it, because all sex must be completely consensual! And of course, just as we all have the right to say no (whether that be verbal or nonverbal), we also have the right to say yes.

Cat's Don't Call (Neither Should You)

I love the summer. One of the reasons is because of the clothes. There's something great about being able to wear cute summer dresses, tank tops and short shorts while feeling good about your body. Yet, there are cons to it too. Most women can relate to what I'm saying. With clothing that shows skin, there is street harassment.

According to Stop Street Harassment (an organization with the initiative to end this), street harassment is defined as: "any action or comment between strangers in public places that is disrespectful, unwelcome, threatening and/or harassing and is motivated by gender or sexual orientation." Of course, this happens during all times of the year, but it seems to especially be evident in the summer. I love being able to walk everywhere in the beautiful weather. Time alone outdoors gives me time to reflect on the world around me, and all its beauty. But the cat-calls and wolf-whistles ruin it all. 

The worst part is, there have been times I've expected to be called out at, when I wasn't at all. I have been afraid to walk by certain groups of men because it has been such a norm to deal with that sort of harassment. I've also taken different routes to avoid people, as have many of my girl friends that I have talked to regarding the topic. 

I question the reasoning behind it all. I know for a fact that sexual assault and harassment is always about power, but the thought process behind yelling out to a woman on the street confuses me. Does it seem cool? Because if that's the case, I fear for the trends both of the present and future even more so than I do already. 

I know that for many boys and men out there, yelling "Hey baby" could be a normal things to do when driving by a "hot chick" with their friends. And I'm here to say STOP! For many, it's a norm to do such a thing. But the aftermath of it only results in the woman feeling degraded, objectified and bad about herself. Not to mention that if a woman yells back to defend herself, she is often labeled a "bitch."

If you see someone harassing someone on the street, how about educating them on the topic? Don't let it slide. More than 80% of women worldwide are dealing with this, and that is a number that is much too high. The only way that this can be changed is by telling people who do do this, that they're not being "cool." In fact, they are reinforcing the sexism and violence against women already in place through society, media and other means. 

The point is, we can put an end to this. There are many anti-street harassment marches and events. However, by not being okay with it, it's a huge step towards stopping it. We are all responsible for it, and ignoring is makes us part of the problem and not the solution.