Single and Not Ready to Mingle

The media is filled with images of love. It's the one thing that every person longs for. They want to find the perfect match, someone that they can spend the rest of their life with. Whether that be in a little house on the countryside or right in the middle of a busy city, it's normal to long to find our happy ending.

The diamond industry knows this well, and is a huge factor behind it all. By painting the perfect image of a wedding ring, people want to attain that sort of happiness, when it's really all a scam for them to make money. I fall prey to this too. One day I hope to find someone who can kneel down on one knee and ask me to marry them.

But here's the thing: love isn't everything. What? Are you serious? Yes, I'm quite serious! While love is such a wonderful thing, there's so much more to success than finding "the one." If finding love is the only thing on your agenda, you might want to think it over. Because having a healthy life means following the dreams that are meant for you and only you. Love may be a separate dream, but it's not the only thing to focus on.

As many girls, I grew up watching Disney princess movies. Of course I wanted to find a prince who would dance with me at the ball, a man who would fight dragons to be with me. But I wasn't taught the most important part of it all: that it was important to form a relationship with myself too. Because building a deep sense of self-worth and commitment is essential to living to the fullest.

Today, Disney has a few princesses who are happy being single. Merida from Brave and Elsa from Frozen are the two that come to mind. The sad thing is, many people think that the reason they are single is they must be gay. Although there would be nothing wrong with that, what is wrong is that they can't be seen as good enough by themselves.

It's okay to be single! It leaves so much time for self care and reflection, and that's great! Of course, relationships can be awesome too, but they're not the only way to live a meaningful life. Because we should not find meaning in another person, but instead, ourselves.

What's Wrong With Sexy?

Summer is coming up, and that means a lot of short shorts, skirts, tank tops and bikinis. Being able to feel great about your body in those outfits is awesome. There's a lot of media that makes it hard to appreciate your own body. When you're able to wear those skin-showing pieces of clothing, feeling good about yourself, that's healthy. It shows you have a good self-esteem, and that's fantastic.

Unfortunately, not everyone feels that way. Many people find excuses to shame girls for what they wear. And that's part of what contributes to some girls having such a low self -esteem. It's common to make girls who dress like this feel like trash. Sluts. Whores. Skanks. You name it, I'm sure a lot of us gals have heard it all. 

The sad part is, what's wrong with showing off a part of your body you're proud of? I think that if you think you have great legs, you should show them off! Of course, there's always proper situations for that (I don't suggest you do it to an office workplace), but there are also great situations for wear short skirts and shorts too! 

What you wear has nothing to do with self-respect. Dressing a certain way is a form of self expression, and wearing "provocative" clothing does not mean you don't care about yourself. Here are some things that show you care about yourself: standing up for yourself, doing things you love, practicing self care... And it so happens, that wearing certain clothes doesn't take away from any of those things!

Then there are the people who say by dressing this way girls are "asking for it." Wrong! You cannot ask for it. By it I'm referring to things like sexual assault. NO ONE ASKS FOR IT. The only person at fault is the perpertrator. Also, sexual assault has to do with who seems most vulnerable, and who the assaulter can gain more of a sense of power from. It's not about attraction, just power. 

Our society is very flawed. No female should ever have to deal with slut shaming. Being proud of one's body should be seen as a great thing, and not something negative. Don't shame others for their clothing. And ladies, wear what you want and feel great about it. Because you should feel great about how you look. Every single body is beautiful.

A Little About Self-Care

As Mental Health Week wraps up, I thought I'd write a post about it. I think that mental health is often
overlooked. While physical health is emphasized as important, keeping oneself fit mentally is talked about much less often.

People often mistaken mental health and mental illness. The fact is that everyone has a mental health, whether it be good or bad. And yes, just because you have a mental illness, does not mean you have a poor mental health. I, as survivor and person dealing with bipolar and anxiety disorder, make sure I take extra care of myself mentally.

Because it's not exactly seen, people tend to think of mental health problems as not as valid. I firmly believe that every once in a while, a Mental Health Day is important, but usually, days off are only seen necessary if it is physical. However, just as having a great physical health has a positive effect on one's mind (emotions, mental state, etc.), taking care of one's mind has a great effect on one's physical health.

Everyone is different, so they way that each person cares for themselves is not the same. Certain people find that some things work and that others don't. Regardless, I thought it would be a good idea to have a list of self-care suggestions.

1. Relax, clear your mind and listen to calm music
2. Read a book while drinking a cup of hot tea
3. Go for a walk outside and explore an area you've never before
4. Take a relaxing hot bubble bath
5. Watch the movie or television show that makes you most happy
6. Have your own personal dance party
7. Draw, paint or express yourself in another form of visual art
8. Research a topic you are interested in
9. Play an instrument or sing along to your favourite tunes
10. Write a journal entry, poetry, short story, or another form of written art
11. Cut out magazines and create a collage of all the things that make you happy
12. Dress up nice for no particular reason
13. Exercise your body by going for a run or to the gym
14. Indulge in a smoothie or another healthy treat
15. Join a club, sport or community group that interests you
16. Spend time with animals
17. Give yourself a manicure/pedicure
18. Catch up with an old friend you haven't spoken to in a while
19. Make yourself a nice meal or bake a fancy dessert
20. Any other hobby or activity you already love or are interested in picking up

Of course, there are so many other ways that you can care for yourself. In the grand scheme of things, this is a very short list. I challenge everyone to pick one or two things, or create your own! Taking care of yourself is essential to living a full and healthy life.

This Is What A Feminist Looks Like

I am a feminist, and being one, I get quite a bit of hate. People tend to have such a negative view on feminism. A large part has to do with the portrayal of them in the media. To many people, feminists are male-hating extremists that like to shove their ideas in your face.

Yes, of course there are feminists like that. But in every belief or movement, there are people who are extreme. Take religion for example. There are those people who use religion to practice hate, but that's definitely not everyone. Yet, it's the people who act on the extreme end that end up representing everyone in that group, because they are the ones gaining the most attention.

So what exactly is feminism? There are different kinds of feminism, but for the most part, it's just gender equality! Being a feminist is recognizing that in our patriarchal society, women do face oppression. It's not saying that women are better than men, but instead that there are still gaps in gender equality which needs to be fixed.

The whole idea of hatred towards men is called misandry. Misandry and feminism are two completely different things. A person can be a feminist who is misandrious, but it is not something built in the roots of feminism itself.

And yes, men can be feminists too! I personally know some wonderful male feminists who are huge allies to women. They're active in ending violence against women and fighting against the gender gaps in society. The reality is that any form of inequality ends up affecting everyone, and it's everyone's job to take part in bringing justice.

Many social services practice feminism in their framework, since this is an excellent approach when working with oppressed groups, especially women. It's not to say that they don't work with men. But recognizing that there are more privileged groups in our society is important. It doesn't make them more or less valuable, but it means they have much different experiences and struggles.

Feminism isn't something to be ashamed of, but proud of. To sum it up, if you believe in gender equality, you might just be a feminist.

Recognizing Resilience

As a social work student, I know how important it is to acknowledge the resilience in individuals. People are survivors of their own struggles. Yet, I know people even in that field of work who resort to blaming these people for the measures they have taken in order to survive, when the most important thing should be that they have.

Coping with one's own battles is extremely difficult. Different people find different ways. Of course, ways of coping aren't just doing hobbies, exercising and meditating. People find other ways of dealing with their problems, and not always necessarily good ones, such as substance use and self-harm (cutting, pulling hair, purging, etc.)

Regardless of if it is not the best way of dealing with one's problems, it's important to recognize that it still is a way of dealing. The way a person copes does not make them weak. By saying this, I'm not condoning these actions, but saying that they are survival tools.

There's not always an explanation for why something works, but the fact remains that it works. While I think that it's important to one day be able to shift to healthier alternatives, I also think that it's not as easy as stopping something that has been working for you.

Many health professionals that I have spoken with in the past over my personal problems have put me down for the ways that I had dealt with my problems. While they were not always the best ways, these were the tools that I had used in order to deal in the best way that I could. By condemning me, I simply shut them out.

Never shame someone for their coping mechanisms. Of course, suggesting healthier alternatives are a good idea, but it's never as simply quitting one thing and starting another. I am not a professional, and am not saying I know the best way for professionals to help a person in this situation (especially since everyone is different), but am emphasizing that resilience needs to be recognized.

Don't ever forget that you are a survivor. No matter the way that you have survived, the fact remains that you have. We all have different ways of coping, and different ways of living. That is what makes us strong.

Bisexuality: Not Just A Myth

Our society seems to be in denial of bisexuality. Often, people can comprehend if a person is straight or gay, but not bisexual (or another sexual orientation that doesn't fit either). However, the truth in it all is that sexuality isn't black and white. Being bisexual is having an attraction to both males and females. The concept seems easy enough, but there are still people who don't get it.

There are so many myths out there about people who identify as bisexual. For example, in television shows especially, bisexuality is shown as a "phase" that teenage girls go through. And while some people may experiment during their teenage years (which is not wrong at all), sexuality is not ever set in stone. As people go through life, they might find who they like changing. And that's completely okay. I am sure that every single person was once attracted to one person who they no longer are to anymore, or becomes attracted to someone they never were to before. Alike that, sexuality can change.

Here are some myths and facts about bisexuality:

1. Bisexuality is all about sex.

Wrong. Attraction is a key word that I have been using. When looking at anyone within the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans) community, the media often portrays bisexual relationships as entirely physical, revolving around sex. While being physically attracted to someone may be important, there are other ways of being attracted to them too. After all, you can be attracted not only physically and sexually, but emotionally, spiritually, and other ways as well.

2. Bisexuality isn't real - it's just people who can't make up their mind.

Wrong again. I've heard it many times too, when people ask, "Why can't you just choose one?" That's speaking as if it were a choice in the first place. A person who has the potential to love either gender doesn't mean that they just can't make up their mind. That's just like saying a person who likes two different flavours of ice cream should pick one and never be allowed to have the other. It makes no sense.

3. Bisexuality is just an excuse for cheating. 

Wrong, yet again. Many people think that people who are bisexual are just being greedy. It has nothing to do with greed. Just because a person is bisexual, it does not mean that they are attracted to every single person, or have the inability to be part of a committed relationship (That being said, it's not always 50% attraction to females and 50% attraction to males, often it varies.) Cheating isn't something that is caused by sexual orientation, but by the will to cheat, something that can happen with a person with any sexuality.

It's extremely important to refer to someone the way that they identify. If someone comes out to you as bisexual, they are not coming out as being gay. Refer to them however they identify themselves. They are the experts in their own lives.

Sexpectations and Double Standards

As a female, the double standards are all too familiar. It's easy to give in to what's expected because that's what we are taught. However, I think that it's important to challenge why we are doing what we are doing and why certain things are expected in the first place. You'll find that a lot of it has to do with the standards buried deep within the norms of society, with nothing to do with logic, and everything to do with privilege vs. oppression.

I find myself thinking about this a lot. A lot of times, it leads me to belting out Kacey Musgrave's Follow Your Arrow which is all about double standards, and since there's no way to please everyone, the best option is to do the best thing for you. Thank goodness for artists who actually get this double-standard dilemma, especially when so many songs these days reinforce it.

For women, a huge area filled with intense amount of double pressures is sex. Women are expected to have sex with men, yet when they are, they are called whores, sluts, hoes, skanks, etc. How is this even fair? Well, it's definitely not. And when women are given the expectation to repay men's kindness with sex, it's something I like to call sexpectations.

To take a look at this topic, it's important to think about why it's this way. A lot of it is constructed by society and the patriarchal system that we live in. Women are so often expected to do things for men, sex included. That being said, there are many men who, after doing something nice for a woman, expect sex. And women tend to comply to that because it's a norm in society. If you read my last entry on consent, you know that sex is only okay with consent, which means both parties being 100% into it. This sort of pressure is not consent.

While women are depicted as the nurturing and emotional gender (qualities which there is nothing wrong with), men seem to have a much different agenda for "what makes a man." It includes anger as the only emotion, physical strength and sex with women. On television, movies and advertisements, successful, heroic men are often rewarded with lots of sex. If you haven't noticed, pay attention next time, you'll see it too.

The fact is that sex should be about equality, and less about who deserves what. No one, no matter the gender, should ever feel like they need to have sex with someone. You never owe anyone sex. It's not a crime to walk away - it's often something that means you are looking out for yourself. And of course, it's okay if you feel that you want to have sex, go for it!

As long as you are taking care of yourself and being honest with your partner, there should be no shame in doing so. I know that so many girls and women deal with being called a slut because they choose to engage in sexual activity, especially if it is casual. This is called slut-shaming (which is putting someone down for their sexual activity, how they behave, or who they date) and it is wrong.

 No one should have to deal with this because of the fact that they decide to have sex, especially since it is something that is not only personal, but something that can be great. Sex has many health benefits, and having sex does not mean a person does not respect themselves. By taking care of your body, setting up personal boundaries and doing what makes you feel good, you are respecting yourself.

To conclude, I hope that everyone has an awesome day. If that includes lots of great sex, I wish you all the best. And if that's not what you want, remember, you don't owe anyone anything.

Consent 101

I've had quite a few conversations recently with people regarding the topic of sexual assault (after all, May is Sexual Assault Awareness Month). It saddens me, that although everyone can agree on the fact that rapists are the ones at fault, it's still implied by many that there are times where the survivor of the violence is too.

Men who have experienced this sort of violence are often shrugged off. Their assault is treated insignificant because so many people believe that men cannot get raped, while in face, they can. This is ridiculous, because man, woman or any other gender, if there is no consent, it is assault.

Women too are put down, but in other ways. They are often shamed for the way they are dressed, how sexually active they are, or for being under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs. Girls are taught how not to get raped and boys aren't being taught not to rape (not to say that all men, or even the majority of them, are rapists, but there definitely needs to be more education for them growing up).

Sexual assault has absolutely nothing to do with how a woman is dressed. It's about power. If it was about the way a person was dressing, women in full length clothing would never be assaulted. Neither would men or children. Yet, they are. And the reason is simple: it's about power, not the way a person dresses.

The same goes for a person who is under the influence of alcohol. Sex is only ever okay when there is consent. In Canada, the age of consent is sixteen (with exceptions, especially regarding peer-to-peer sexual relations). One thing however is stated clearly: a person who is under the influence cannot give consent.

About three months ago I was approached by an old friend who thanked me for my advocacy for survivors of sexual assault that I had been doing through social media. My only hope when I share these messages is that it can make an impact on other peoples' lives, even if "other people" only means one person. The moment I realized that what I was doing was, I felt more motivated than ever.

People who I have spoken with who are survivors have shared with me how often they felt blame and guilt on their own part. A lot of this has to do with the culture we live in, surrounded with excuses to shed light on rape. From jokes, to advertisements of men holding extreme power over women, this sort of violence isn't new to any of us.

The best thing to do is to be educated about consent, and use that knowledge to educate those around us. Here's some facts on the consent law in Canada:

• The legal age for consent is sixteen
• A person cannot give consent to pornography, prostitution or sex with a figure of authority unless they are eighteen
• The age for consent of anal sex is eighteen
• Exceptions: ages twelve and thirteen can consent to sexual activity with someone less than two years older than them; ages fourteen and fifteen can consent to someone less than five years older than them
• Someone under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol cannot give consent
• Consent means checking in with the person the entire way through, understanding both their verbal and body language

Consent isn't just sexy, it's essential. It's extremely important to be knowledgeable about it. Keep yourself, your friends and family informed about it, because all sex must be completely consensual! And of course, just as we all have the right to say no (whether that be verbal or nonverbal), we also have the right to say yes.

Cat's Don't Call (Neither Should You)

I love the summer. One of the reasons is because of the clothes. There's something great about being able to wear cute summer dresses, tank tops and short shorts while feeling good about your body. Yet, there are cons to it too. Most women can relate to what I'm saying. With clothing that shows skin, there is street harassment.

According to Stop Street Harassment (an organization with the initiative to end this), street harassment is defined as: "any action or comment between strangers in public places that is disrespectful, unwelcome, threatening and/or harassing and is motivated by gender or sexual orientation." Of course, this happens during all times of the year, but it seems to especially be evident in the summer. I love being able to walk everywhere in the beautiful weather. Time alone outdoors gives me time to reflect on the world around me, and all its beauty. But the cat-calls and wolf-whistles ruin it all. 

The worst part is, there have been times I've expected to be called out at, when I wasn't at all. I have been afraid to walk by certain groups of men because it has been such a norm to deal with that sort of harassment. I've also taken different routes to avoid people, as have many of my girl friends that I have talked to regarding the topic. 

I question the reasoning behind it all. I know for a fact that sexual assault and harassment is always about power, but the thought process behind yelling out to a woman on the street confuses me. Does it seem cool? Because if that's the case, I fear for the trends both of the present and future even more so than I do already. 

I know that for many boys and men out there, yelling "Hey baby" could be a normal things to do when driving by a "hot chick" with their friends. And I'm here to say STOP! For many, it's a norm to do such a thing. But the aftermath of it only results in the woman feeling degraded, objectified and bad about herself. Not to mention that if a woman yells back to defend herself, she is often labeled a "bitch."

If you see someone harassing someone on the street, how about educating them on the topic? Don't let it slide. More than 80% of women worldwide are dealing with this, and that is a number that is much too high. The only way that this can be changed is by telling people who do do this, that they're not being "cool." In fact, they are reinforcing the sexism and violence against women already in place through society, media and other means. 

The point is, we can put an end to this. There are many anti-street harassment marches and events. However, by not being okay with it, it's a huge step towards stopping it. We are all responsible for it, and ignoring is makes us part of the problem and not the solution. 

When Lighter Equals Beautiful

Have you ever looked in the mirror and wished that your skin tone was a shade or two lighter? Compared your arm to a friend's, envious of their pale, glowing skin? Or hid in the shade to protect yourself from a possible tan? Well, a lot of us have, and if we haven't, chances are we know someone who has. 

I recently found a video on that topic, and how fairer skin is often seen as more beautiful, and it's completely accurate. If you haven't noticed it, I'm sure you will now that it's brought up. As summer approaches, pay close attention to the comments around you. I've had so many of my friends worry that going to the beach or the amusement park would only darken their skin - something that they couldn't have happen. And who can blame them, when beauty is so often depicted as being white?

I have a lot of friends who especially deal with this issue. It's hard when the make-up in the cosmetic isle are all lighter than your skin colour, and when skin colour band-aids aren't your skin colour in the slightest. And there's still not enough representation of people with darker skin in movies, television shows and ads. With this in mind, no wonder that people are wanting their skin to be lighter. 

I think that a lot of it has to do with the marketing industry. Like many products, their advertisements strive to make people feel bad about themselves for the purpose of making money. I constantly find myself envious of the smooth skin only attainable from CoverGirl or a Loreal model's luscious hair. In reality, their seemingly perfect appearances are results of Photoshop and great editing tools that create a person that does not actually exist.

Of course, people with lighter skin colours do exist, however in this case, the industry creates ads that make it seem like attaining lighter skin should be a goal. Many of us have seen the videos of little girls pointing to the most beautiful Barbie, each time pointing to the one white doll rather than the black one. Both girls and boys often grow up with these images in mind, simply wishing that they weren't so dark. 

I can't identify with this at the same level as many others can, but what I do know is that lighter isn't more beautiful, but a concept created by the media. Well, who put the media in charge of what is considered better? Shouldn't it be us who shape our own definitions of beauty? After all, it is us who this affects on a personal, intimate level, and not the media. And it saddens me that people feel that they have to lighten their skin in order to achieve what is perceived as a desirable colour. 

Sadly, I can't take down those ads. I can't make every boy and girl in the would grow up thinking that the colour of their skin is good enough. But I can challenge those around me, the readers of my blog, my friends, my family and others I may encounter to question why it's so bad to have a darker skin tone. Is it really bad, or are we just brainwashed into thinking it is. Asking questions is important. Without doing so, each of us become robots controlled by an industry of condescending lies.

I personally think that the diversity in each person's skin colour should be deemed as perfection. I hope that people share this video with others so that this topic can be talked about more in a critical way, rather than a way that only promotes self-hatred.